People on Twitter are tweeting about the truths of practicing criminal defense. I've harvested some of the best. Go to Twitter and look at #LawsOfCriminalDefense (and follow the people who make the best comments).
No, the prosecutor has nothing better to do, now let's move on.
Dear Client, Yes, the prosecution has been out to get you from the start. No, that is not a good appellate issue.
Prosecutor: If I'm being nice to you, I'm playing you.
Including your client and you, there is one person in the courtroom trying to keep your client out of prison.
"The b!tch aint showing up?" You mean her, in the third row?
Asking me what happens if the witness doesn't show up worries me.
That you "can't go to jail" doesn't affect whether you will.
Going to trial because you can't go to jail is like jumping off a cliff because you can't be pushed.
No, it doesn't matter that they didn't Mirandize you.
If you want a new client to lie to you, ask him about his criminal record.
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. That's your client's job.
Your friends cousin knows a cop on the force? Your boss knows the judges wife? Awesome! Now we win.
Yes, if the case gets dismissed I get to keep the fee.
A criminal defense lawyer who guarantees a result is lying or bribing someone.
Dear Client, Just because you are bi-polar does not mean that you have free reign to commit a criminal offense.
The clients I've taken for free or below cost are the most demanding and unreasonable.
No, we're not suing the cops.
Let's win the criminal case first. Then I'll refer you to a civil rights plaintiff's lawyer.
Representing celebrities is a great honor, just ask them.
Just because I represent doesn't mean I have to believe you.
Dear client: If a 12 year old on the Web wants to have sex with you, it's an FBI agent. I promise.
Telling me what your friend thinks is like talking about your ex girlfriends on a date.
Dear Client, I'm not your life coach. I'm the cold shower of reality that rains on your egocentric parade.
If you just want to talk to me over the phone, you're shopping, not hiring.
No, it doesn't matter that the handcuffs hurt your wrists.
It is your client that is on trial, not you.
Dear Client, It is not a good thing that you & the Judge are on a first name basis.
A jury of your peers does not mean that your friends are on the panel.
You're not unhappy with the PD, you're unhappy with the plea offer he got.
Telling me you're going to hire a private lawyer is not threat but usually a relief.
Never represent someone you're having sex with.
And where did the police officer take you after he gave you all this advice? Exactly.
If you're going to "win it in closing," plead guilty.
There is nothing more difficult than cross-examining the victim of a sex crime.
An acquittal is not the only way to get a "win" in this line of business. A nolle prosequi is just as good.
Just because you think the victim is a lying piece of sh!t does not mean the jury has to.
Nobody ever went to prison for not talking to the cops
A continuance is as good as an acquittal, for as long as it lasts.
No trial is a sure thing for either side.
When you roll out, "God is on my side," you're probably forgetting about the victim.
I appreciate that you put your faith in God, but he's going to need some expert help on this particular case.
Dear Client, Most of Jesus' disciples met their end in prison. So, you think he is going to save your @ss?