02 July 2006

Anthropological Report:
Canada from a Commercial Perspective

For those of you not familiar with North America, myth, rumor, and speculation have it that there is this land of peace and prosperity called Canada, somewhere North of Montana. Those of us down here in the Southern US hear rumors of this place - it snows 360 days of the year, all the people are polite, they play a strange game on this thing called "ice" (how do they all fit in the freezer?) There are those among us who are skeptics - nobody is even really sure Montana exists (ever met somebody from there?), so how can we know there is a Canada?

AHA! We here at the "Lammers is Bored and Doesn't Want to Spend His Sunday at the Office Institute" have discovered several video iconographies explaining the truths of life for Canadians.

Nationalism and Self Definition:

First of all, they appear to be rather strongly nationalistic and concerned that they are perceived as too passive (there is however, some evidence of passivity).

Lacrosse on Ice - The National Obsession:

However, one cannot take the evidence of passivity too much on face value. The Canadians also play a version of Lacrosse - except their version is played on ice and is called Hockey (pronounced hakee). Their belief is that some nations fear their prowess in this game while others simply prepare for heavy casualties. When deprived of the sport Canada appeared almost suicidal; however, this was replaced by uninhibited glee when the game was reborn. Civilian participation seems to take place on a NY Mets level and in street level amateur competitions. Nevertheless, there are transaction costs. Apparently uniform odor can reach levels previously thought only possible in US football team locker rooms. And, an extremely strong case can be made that no woman should ever be allowed to play the game (at least not if she has a boyfriend or hope thereof).

Canadian Mating Proclivities:

Of course, sex does not seem to be a problem in Canada. Men chase beaver all the time and at times they are even bold enough to try for two. Their drinking prowess seems also to make them also extremely popular with American women - although the male will reject unsuitable mates. There appears to be a problem of males having too much sex; however, the women are understanding when the men attempt to balance their lives with activities outside the sexual. There are some taboos and chief among them seems to be the fairly typical "No way this scum-bag friend of mine is getting within a mile of my sister", rash response.

The Use of Celebratory Libations:

The primary form of libation seems to be beer. It is used in celebration of the provision of food supplies. They sing ballads of young men sallying forth in quest for the cherished drink. Heck, they even make provisions for the possible outcomes of driving drunk.

Perception of Outsider:

The primary outsider whom Canadians react to is a member of a species which is rather full of itself: Overbearingus Americanus (U.S. citizens). Female OA's are viewed as just dumb and should just be subjected to mental torture. There are multiple ways of dealing with male OA's. Some prefer the direct attack approach, followed by alcohol abuse. In more extreme cases the pet beaver is employed. Sometimes OA humor leads to flights of fancy which, of course, involve hockey (is there ice on the moon?).

In conclusion, Canada appears to be a somewhat idyllic place with pretty women and plenty of beer. We here in the U.S. are working on warming it up so that everyone, even those with an aversion to cold weather might enjoy the opportunity of living there (see The Global Warming Project).

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