27 December 2003

Lammers Law Office Bulletin
Kris Kringle Arrested

Yesterday, in the County of Arrestafield, Virginia Detective Bluemart and a crack squad of Arrestafield officers swore out a warrant and arrested a man suspected of breaking and entering numerous dwelling houses of others, at night, with the intent to commit a felony therein. Apparently, the man had been under suspicion for a number of years but this is the first year that a "credible" witness has stepped forward.

The witness is a minor so we at the Lammers Law Office will not reveal her name. However, upon being appointed as counsel we have investigated her story and found enough incongruities that we believe the arrest unfounded in fact and law.

Initial news reports indicated that pressure from Homeland Security was a major factor in this arrest as the Accused is not an American citizen. However, the head of Homeland Security's new Yuletide Defense Section, Ben Scrooge, denied this calling it a bunch of "Humbug."

(stock photo from Mr. Scrooge's corporation - no government photo available)

Arrestafield police released this artist rendering of the method by which they allege Mr. Kringle entered houses. When reporters confronted him with the obvious impossibilities of a man of Mr. Kringle's girth entering houses via fireplaces Detective Bluemart insisted that Mr. Kringle is a very dangerous fellow: "Mr. Kringle is an accomplished second story man who has managed to enter houses of all sorts throughout many years without a trace of how he has entered. The only confirmed method is the one depicted. Furthermore, Mr. Kringle is an international operator. We have traced his activities in multiple countries; this has not been easy because he has numerous AKA's depending upon which part of the world he is in: Kris Kringle, Santa Claus, Papa Noel, Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, etc. As well, when questioned Mr. Kringle freely admitted to entering almost all the houses in Arrestafield County on the night in question. When I drove him around we couldn't go 50 feet without him pointing out another house he had entered. He also showed a disturbing amount of knowledge about the children of the County and was even able to list off all the children who had been involved in criminal activities in the last year."

We Need Your Help

Our investigation has uncovered some interesting facts which we believe law enforcement is sitting on. We believe that whoever the actual culprit is he acted with one co-defendant (pictured left). Be very, very careful if you spot this creature as we suspect it might be a jackelope and could turn out to be extremely dangerous if cornered. Your best course of action would probably be to send us an e-mail and track him until we arrive.

After having investigated the description of the actual perpetrator, we at the Lammers Law Office are very interested in speaking to this individual. He is almost an exact match of the description and (as you can see) he fits easily into tubes such as a garbage can (or a chimney). Known primarily by the moniker, "The Grouch," we believe it may have been the goal of this person to steal Christmas. We have a partial address but have not been able to go further than a street name. If anyone knows what city or State this "Grouch Who Stole Christmas" lives in we would be extremely grateful for your assistance in this matter.

As always, we at the Lammers Law Office look forward to the complete exoneration of our client and will make every effort in the defense of this wonderful man.

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