Scene - client and I are in the lockup area talking about his case before his preliminary hearing for felony petit larceny. I have just explained (yet again) the fact that this day is only for a preliminary hearing.
Client: I told you to get me a deal and make this a misdemeanor.
Me: You have 8 prior larcenies, you were caught wearing the clothes store security saw you carry into the changing room and you made a full confession to a police officer after signing a Miranda form. The prosecutor laughed at me when I asked her for a deal.
Client: A guy in my pod has almost 100 charges and he's getting a deal. Why can't I get one?
Me: Where was that guy charged at, [jurisdiction X]?
Client: No, in this county. Why can't you get me a deal?
Me: Maybe something will happen in circuit court when we have a different prosecutor.
Client: If I had a paid lawyer, he'd have got me a deal.
(Based on many a conversation but reflecting none in particular)
Hey, I just talked to this same client: he also said, "I talked to a friend who has an uncle who's a lawyer, and he said they can't charge me with this because...(fill in blank)." Later, his family on the outs will pony up $5000 to hire a real lawyer, and I'll be sitting in court next month when his real lawyer pleads him straight-up, no offer.
Did Mom call you and yell at you over the phone when you told her that the fact as a child Client was diagnosed with ADHD wasn't really a defense to shoplifting?
How about: "____, he's a jailhouse lawyer, told me..."
Really? Wow, you should ask him to represent you. Oh, wait, he's in jail.
The most recent wisdom from the jailhouse lawyer that I heard was "They can't arrest you for shoplifting if you're still inside the store. They have to wait until you get outside the store."
True, true. The jury can't infer anything by the fact that you were removing the security tags from sneakers and putting them up your shirt and down your pants. Nah, they'd have to wait until you got outside to know what you were trying to do.
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