29 February 2008

Somebody's Giving Away Trade Secrets

"I don’t have the patience to listen to incessant whining about . . . how the DA is out to get you . . . The DA does not know or care who the hell you are much less spend a lot of time devising ways to ruin your life."

Okay, who spilled the beans? Who told a defense attorney that I actually have 150 felony files and that I don't spend all my time - every single second of my day - trying to make his particular client's life miserable? How am I supposed to maintain my veneer of pure, unadulterated, power-mad megalomania if defense attorneys (and, by extension, their clients) start understanding that I don't know the defendant from Adam and I'm just trying to make an appropriate offer. Oh! The Humanity!

Well, if we're going to go down this route, there is one note I'd like to make for defense counsel. Let's call it CrimLaw Prosecutorial Corollary #1.

CrimLaw Prosecutorial Corollary #1: Catching me in the hall to talk to me about a case more than 3 days in the future is a useless endeavor. I've got about 150 files with cases constantly coming in and going out. I've prepped for the 5 felonies I have today. I've probably prepped for the 7 felonies I have for tomorrow. The Greene case is 45 days down the road. Unless I have the file in front of me, or your client is Harold "Gory" Greene (the Bank of Pitcairn axe murderer), I don't have the Greene case anywhere near the thinking part of my brain. In any event, I'm not going to agree to anything without looking at the file. Even if I did, without the file there to write notes in I wouldn't remember any agreement. So, just stop. Please. And this goes double for those out there who think it's a good idea to stop by my table during lunch and ask me about a couple cases. I'm a simple man; my brain disengages during lunch. I'm of no use to anyone at that time. Honest.


Anonymous said...

So are you saying you make people's lives miserable with no thought at all?

Windypundit said...

Man, getting prosecuted by you must be the worst thing ever.

I used to think that if I were a defense attorney prepping a client to testify, I'd show him a bunch of your Crimlaw videos to make you seem less frightening: "Look, the prosecutor's just a big goofy ballcap-wearing doofus like every other good-old-boy around here. See, he even likes dogs. He's practically harmless."

But lately, I'm thinking that aw-shucks demeanor has got to be kind of scary. "Hi Harold, I'm Ken, and for now I'm trying this prosecutor stuff. Today is Tuesday, so if I haven't gotten all confused, I'll be doin' my gosh-darned best to screw-up your life, even more than it, heh, already is."

I think I'll try to stay on the right side of the law whenever I'm in Virginia...

Ken Lammers said...

shg - "No thought at all?" Well, I try to put a little thought into it. All I'm saying is that I make what I believe to be offers based upon *buzzword alert* the totality of the circumstances. I just don't have the time to make it my life's mission to mess with one particular person.

Ken Lammers said...

Ken Lammers: "just a harmless, big, goofy, ballcap-wearing doofus who even likes dogs."

I like it. I want to admit to all of you who are thinking about trying cases against me that this is 100% accurate. You should make all of your decisions concerning the trial based upon the above stated facts.

Dad said...

Ken admits to being a "harmless, big, goofy, ballcap-wearing doofus who even likes dogs."

And yet, somehow, he still feels it appropriate to use a warhammer as his icon.

Be afraid, be very afraid of Ken.

Windypundit said...

Oh yeah. I've got a few relatives down South who made a lot of money off of people who fell for that sourthern demeanor.