28 June 2006

Superman Returns: The Review

5 Second Review: It sucks.

30 Second Review: Superman has a child out of wedlock, abandons those who counted upon him, comes back and becomes a home wrecker, is a peeping tom, and is too stupid to realize that Lex Luthor will have kryptonite somewhere nearby when confronted by the Man of Steel. And the new uniform sucks.

2 minute review: The best scene in the entire movie is a special effects bonanza near the beginning when Superman saves a space shuttle and the plane which was carrying it after an EMP pulse causes a malfunction which fuses the two together and shoots them into space. It is an amazing scene. The bad guy with a chain gun and pistol scene is also good. Unfortunately, they're the only things worth seeing in the movie.

The plot by Lex Luthor, Superman's most dangerous, capable, and intelligent foe, is imbecilic. Still, it's not the battle between good and evil which we're supposed to focus on - we're supposed to focus on the relationship issues caused by his return. The biggest plot device of the movie is that Superman has just returned from a worthless and meaningless five year round trip to see Krypton's remains (we'll not ask how he survived all the kryptonite). The main point of the movie is what happens between him and Lois Lane.

Whoever wrote and/or directed this just doesn't get it. Superman, while not as much a Boy Scout as the Big Red Cheese (who, BTW, apparently has his own movie in the works), is supposed to be about Truth, Justice and all that is right in the world (I don't suppose we can say The American Way anymore). He is about inspiration of the masses and doing the right thing, even when it is hard. You don't try to make him more gritty and "real." He wears bright reds, blues, and yellows - not that horrendous dark blue and maroon thing they had him in. He would never try to break up a family - which he clearly attempts in the movie. I don't know who that guy on the screen was but he wasn't what I picture when I think of Superman. And, oh yeah, Superman wouldn't look like an underdevloped 17 year old kid either.

Don't waste your time and money. Stay home and watch episodes of Lois & Clark or Smallville or the old serials or Superman I & II.

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